Grizzabella's
Tips for the New Cat:
As a
helpful and informative cat, I have decided to put forth here a number
of tips and tricks for the new cat, or perhaps the cat who has been
brainwashed by their humans to believe that cat behavior should be
dictated by the human room mate.
And
if your human ever even thinks about putting a hat on you and taking
a photograph...never ever forget it.
When Guests Arrive
Quickly determine which guest hates (or is allergic to) Cats the most.
Sit on that lap. If you can arrange for particularly bad "tuna
breath" (or extra dander), so much the better.
For sitting
on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric which contrasts
well with your fur. For example: white-furred Cats go to black wool
clothing. NOTE: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.
For the
guest who exclaims, "I love kitties!", be ready with aloof
disdain, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the
ankle.
When
walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look
surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to force your humans
to reveal that they tolerate this behavior when company is not there.
Always
accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything
-- just sit and stare. If you do feel active, try turning off the
light switch if it is within reach; this is usually good for some
laughs. Some Cats with a more prankish disposition like to hide behind
the White Drinking Bowl and reach around to pat the human on the behind
as s/he is sitting down just to watch him/her leap up in surprise.
This will result in expulsion, but is worth it!
Human Laps
Undoubtedly
THE best way to get attention from a human is to jump
in his/her lap and purr. Few humans can resist because it makes them
think you like them (which may even be true!). Ear scratches, belly
rubs, back stroking: all these and more can be yours.
Some
Cats like this treatment a little TOO much and acquire the silly name
"Lap Fungus". Lap sessions also provide golden opportunities
for shedding--be sure to take advantage of clothes which contrast
with your fur (see also "When Guests Arrive"). Unfortunately,
humans have the annoying tendency to want to get up to do their mundane
activities, like answering the thing that rings or going to the Big
White Drinking Bowl.
Protest
this disturbance with accusing looks and plaintive meows. Some laps
may require "softening up" with a little kneading; just
be sure not to use the claws or you may have an unexpected flying
lesson! Note that the occasional adoring gaze with half-closed eyes
directed toward your human, especially when you are curled up in his/her
lap purring and being petted, will keep him/her eating out of your
paw for weeks. (Do not spoil your human by doing this too often.)
Confusing Humans
Humans
(for the most part) love order and predictability. They especially
like what they think are their pets to be predictable. So if you are
in the mood to indulge in a little low-risk mischief, behaving irrationally
is an excellent option. The usual method is to simply tear around
the house at top speed talking to yourself and perhaps launching a
frenzied attack on an unsuspecting toy. If there are two or more Cats
in the household, you can take turns chasing and wrestling with each
other. This is usually good for a shake of the head from the human,
along with "Crazy Cat" muttered under his/her breath.
Another way to baffle the humans is to interrupt your passage across
a carpet (at whatever velocity) with a sudden vertical leap into the
air. Then continue on as if nothing had happened. If you're skilled
enough, you may be able to convince the human that there are "rug
worms" in the house. A third way, which isn't quite as fun as
the others but which tends to get better reactions from the humans,
is to stare fixedly at a blank wall, turned-off TV, corner of the
room, or whatever, and pretend to carry on a conversation with another
Cat. The humans, who may already be convinced that you're from outer
space, will think you're talking to your friends, the "Jupiter
People". If they start talking about mailing you to Mars, it's
a good idea to lay off this prank for a while.
Substitute Humans
Occasionally your human will want to go away on a "vacation"
or "trip" and, knowing that you hate travelling, will want
to leave you behind. The choice of boarding at the vet's or a kennel
is to be avoided at all costs, which implies that you have to find
another human in the neighbourhood who will be willing to look after
you when your humans are away. This is usually not hard to do when
you're able to patrol the neighbourhood, but if you're a house or
apartment Cat, you'll be stuck with whatever human your humans can
find.
In most respects, the substitute performs the same functions as the
regular human, i.e. feeding, changing the litterbox, and perhaps even
playing with you. Since most substitutes don't know your feeding habits,
try extra hard to get more food. A few minutes after you've cleaned
out your dish, go into "feed me" mode again. Be especially
piteous, using the Big Soulful Eyes, low moans, extra head-butting
and rubbing, meaningful stares at the empty dish, and all the other
tricks that sometimes work on your more hard-hearted regular humans.
If the
substitute performs poorly, like showing up late for your feeding
times, let your regular humans know your displeasure with the usual
punishment, like wetting the bath mat, clawing furniture, etc.
Bad Weather
Bad
weather, in the form of rain, snow, and/or excessive cold or heat,
is always the fault of the humans. If the weather is inclement when
the human opens the door to let you out, back away hastily and try
another door. Be sure to stare accusingly at the human during this
session. If all doors have the same bad weather and you manage not
to get booted out, hop onto a window sill and gaze mournfully out
at your domain. Then try again in about half an hour.
