Welcome

The Things I Believe on the Subject of Humans

Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house.

One way to keep your human healthy is through agility training. You can do this by running ahead of your human, maintaining a distance of about one and a half of the human's paces, and suddenly stopping to clean yourself. If the human doesn't trip over or boot you (a very real hazard, especially from beginner humans), he is fit and able to avoid all sorts of danger in his world. A bonus from this exercise is that the sight of the human will be very amusing and you can share the experience with your friends on the back fence.

Another form of exercise can be imposed by sitting just out of reach of the human when he wants to pet you, so that he has to get up and move over. When you are being brushed, don't sit still for it, but move arould all over the place, forcing the human to follow you around or else pick you up and hold you. And of course there's the Big Chase when you steal something like a chicken leg.

If you are scolded for any reason, however (un)justly, fix upon your human your most forlorn and repentent gaze. This will induce such guilt and remorse in that human that he will immediately scoop you up and cuddle you, apologize profusely and offer you a favorite treat.

Occasionally, human ignorance demands a blunt response. If your humans have the gall to "discipline" you with a squirt bottle, the proper strategy is to abscond with the offending item when no one is looking, and hide it behind the couch or at the back of the most cluttered closet. Many months later the fool will stumble over it, but he will get the message.